The former EDL leader on Right Said Fred, threaded eyebrows, mass uncontrolled immigration and the unexpected joys of DIY. As told to Otto English.
__1.__What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Eating out with my family. Steak and chips in a good British restaurant. Simple British food. Meat pies. Spaghetti Bolognese – stuff like that. Curries? Don’t like them. Not because I am a racist – which is a made up word by the way – I just don’t like food I can’t pronounce. And you can’t trust the waiters.
__2.__What is your greatest fear?
That one day I will buy a nice white sliced loaf and only discover afterwards that it was made in accordance with the teachings of Muhammed.
__3.__What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Perfectly comfortable with my height thank you.
__4.__What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Some of the most famous people in history – some of the best actors in the world aren’t six foot. You know that? Tom Cruise? Five foot five and a half.
__5.__When and where were you happiest?
In Spain night of the Brexit vote. I’m in the George and Dragon in Alicante and I turn to the barman and I’ve got tears in my eyes and I’m like: “Alejandro mate, we’ve finally got our country back.”
__6.__If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Nothing. Tom Cruise is doing just fine isn’t he? All the girls love Tom Cruise.
__7.__What do you consider your greatest achievement?
For years the leftist establishment tried and failed to bring me down. They charged me with hooliganism after I started that drunken brawl at a Luton game. They banged me up for 18 months when I done that mortgage fraud. They arrested me for that poppy demonstration on the roof of FIFA. They done me for headbutting another bloke at a rally against Muslims and they put me in the slammer for 10 months for trying to use a fake passport to enter America. But despite all the setbacks I’ve never stopped in my crusade to highlight the threat posed to this country by violent criminal gangs and extremists illegally entering this country on fake IDs and trying to undermine our way of life.
__5.__Which living person do you most admire?
Richard Fairbrass of Right Said Fred. Big star. Huge international following. Household name and he comes right out and opposes the EU despite death threats from the Lib Dems and that. We’re all big fans at mine.
__6.__What is your greatest extravagance?
Getting my eyebrows done. I go to this place in Luton and they thread them. I’m very proud of my eyebrows.
__7.__What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Big words and the so called luvvies who use them.
__8.__On what occasion do you lie?
When my kids ask if they will still be allowed to practice their Christian faith in five years without fear of reprisals from Sharia courts.
__9.__What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Winston Churchill? Five foot seven. Benito Mussolini? Five foot seven. Don’t have a problem with it at all.
__10.__Which person do you most admire?
Alexander the Great – five foot six. He conquered half the world didn’t he.
__11.__What is your current state of mind?
Nothing wrong with it. Let me give you an example. I was in the shops the other day with my kid and I’m getting some netting for my pond and this fella comes up to me and he says: “Can I help you sir?” And I’m like “yes mate. You can. You can help by standing up to the alt-left and the PC libtards. You can help by planting a Union Jack flag in your front garden in solidarity with our boys. You can help by making a stand against the lying MSM. You can help by reporting on the Muslim grooming gangs and educating yourself about the life of the Prophet Muhammed. Because otherwise you’re gonna wake up one day and your whole street is gonna be under Sharia law.” And he’s just staring at me and that and so I continue and I say: “You know what you are? You’re a dhimmi. Do you know what that even is? No. You don’t know because you ain’t read my book on it mate. I’ve written a book on it and you haven’t read it!” And he’s still standing staring at me all quiet and that and I’m going “Yeah? Come on then? What’s your response to that then?” And he goes: “I know quite a bit about Islam as a matter of fact on account of my parents coming from Pakistan and my being brought up a Muslim.” And I’m laughing now. I’m standing in the shop and I’m laughing in his face and I go: “You muppet. You fucking muppet. You think Pakistan is a race?
__12.__What is the quality you most like in a man?
You think Pakistan is a race? It’s not like England with ten thousand years of history. Pakistan was made up. Someone drew a line. It’s all there in my book that you haven’t read.”
__13.__What is the quality you most like in a woman?
And he goes: “England isn’t ten thousand years old. And anyway, someone’s drawn a line between England and Wales as well haven’t they. And Scotland. All countries are concoctions really aren’t they.” And that’s got me now. I’ve got this muppet trying to teach me…. ME.. the geography of my own country.
__14.__Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
How dare he do that with my kid looking on.
__15.__What or who is the greatest love of your life?
So I’m like: “Shall we take this into the car-park?” And he’s going: “I only wondered if you needed any help with the netting sir.” And he walks off. He’s gone and I’m left standing there looking like a muppet in front of my kid. And my son goes: “Are you alright Dad? Shall we forget it? Shall we go home?”
__20.__If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
And I’m out in the car-park now. Can’t even get my keys out. Shaking. With my son looking at me. With passers-by staring. And I can’t find my keys.
As told to Otto English – satirical content