Is Your Man A UKIP Love Rat? Exclusive questionnaire from guest Agony Aunt Cosmo Polly Tan

Is this guy about 54 years old and was he previously married to three immigrants despite heading up Britain’s best known anti-immigration party?

A:            Why yes

B:            No

C:            He promised he’d change

When leaving his former partner did he:

A:            Dump her and her two small children on Christmas Eve and then fly back to be with you

B:            Take time to be with her and discuss where their relationship was at before parting on mutually agreed terms

C:            Wait until she found out about it in the papers

It’s Christmas – you’ve just started a relationship – does he:

A:            Buy you an Iphone and an Apple MacBook – sure it’s really unimaginative but you had a Samsung and an Amazon tablet and wanted an upgrade

B:            Whisk you away to Rome

C:            Go down the pub

boyfriend

When asked to choose between you and his job does he pick:

A:            Job obviously – but he said we could still have sex as long as nobody found out

B:            Me

C:            He’s not shown me much interest since we got married to be honest

How do his friends or colleagues behave around you:

A:            They welcomed me into the UKIP family and agreed with everything I said, right up until the bit when journalists read my twitter feed at which point they dropped me like a hot potato

B:            Normally

C:            They sing the Dambusters theme and quote lines from ‘Allo ‘Allo

On meeting your parents does he:

A:            Call your father ‘son’ and ask whether he has left school yet

B:            Politely greet them and ask them thoughtful questions before proffering a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of something interesting

C:            He’s never been with me to Germany

Does he put his poor performance in bed down to ‘the inflated Overseas Aid Budget’ intimidating him:

A:            Well isn’t it?

B:            Don’t be puerile

C:            Bed?

Are you jealous of Meghan Markel because she’s everything you would like to be and has everything you want – including a Prince – while you’re stuck with an odd little man who looks like a cartoon:

A:            Her seed. Her – seed……

B:            No I’m an ordinary well-adjusted human being

C:            No that would be Nigel

Mostly A:  You’re Jo Marney – and for all your unpalatable views – you’re better off without your love-rat boyfriend Henry Bolton 

Mostly B:  Congratulations – you’re sane and your partner is possibly a bit dull – but undoubtedly a keeper

Mostly C:  Mrs Farage – you have our deepest sympathy