The clock is ticking. The UK is scheduled to leave the EU on the 29th March 2019 – in just one year’s time and it looks increasingly as if the British government hasn’t got its pencils out of the case yet, let alone written its name at the top of the exam sheet.
There’s confusion over the Irish border, a lack of clarity over EU citizens’ rights, the exit bill and that’s before we even get to the transition period. Nobody can agree on anything. Indeed, if Britain were ordering breakfast instead of trying to divorce itself from our biggest trading and diplomatic partner, we’d currently have nothing in front of us but an empty fruit bowl, a selection of unappetising condiments and an unseemly fight (possibly involving knives and swearing) going on in the kitchen.
What is to be done?
In 1940 as Britain teetered on the brink of evisceration by the Axis powers, Winston Churchill – viewed by many at the time as a preening has-been – was suddenly elevated to the top job and found himself leading a grand coalition, dedicated to working together to fight off the Nazi threat. Churchill’s USP was that he had been one of the few consistent voices warning against appeasement; so after the fall of France and a bit of a tussle with that chump Lord Halifax, he was handed the keys to Number 10 and told to get on with it. His approach was novel. He ate a lot of spotted dick, did some V signs at the door, smoked cigars, got hugged by Kristen Scott Thomas and took a ride on the tube which miraculously convinced everyone that the war was in the bag. Easy. Five years later, the conflict was over. Sure 60 odd million people had died, but we had won and that was the main thing and everybody lived happily ever after in thatched cottages until 1973 when the evil EEC started manoeuvres again.
If the EU referendum was the end of the phoney war then this is our 1940 – our Darkest Hour. The time has come for a new Churchill to step up to the mark. Sure, the nature of that threat is different this time and yes we have done it to ourselves – and OK chlorinated chicken will be here long before the Gestapo er …. EPP have set up shop in Buckingham Palace…… but clearly what is needed is a fresh government of all talents, led by the one man who has stood firm against the evil, blood-thirsty, car safety standards obsessed EU for three decades.
But who is the new Winnie? Well obviously – it’s Nigel Farage. He has the suits, he smokes a lot and critically, while the misguided establishment parties have sought to appease the EU and try to find an equable solution to the Brexit Catch 22 – our man Nigel has stood firm and resolute and no doubt eaten a lot of spotted dick in the process (and please note, that that is not a reference to Donald Trump.)
You see according to Nigel, Leaving the EU is a cinch. As he told BBC Hardtalk in September 2016 it boils down to this:
“To me, Brexit is easy. We have back British passports, we have control of our fishing waters, and our companies are not subject to EU law through the single market.”
Simples. So while everyone else in the ‘legacy parties’ has been worrying about complex things like frictionless borders, tariff free trade and the rights of EU citizens this quiet, unassuming titan of a statesman has had the answers all along.
There are other obvious benefits. According to impeccable source ‘Nigel Farage’…… Nigel Farage is best friends with Donald Trump and that unfortunate looming US trade deal crisis can be wafted away like Rothmans smoke.
“AH! But Mr Farage is not an MP!” I hear you re-moan. Well there’s absolutely nothing to stop someone making him a Lord and he can govern from the Upper Chamber like Lord Salisbury did. Into his grand coalition we could add all the other people who tell us that Brexit is easy. Regular LBC caller Barry in Staines, who is fond of telling presenters that “we just go on to WFT rules and it’s sorted” could be Chancellor. Apprentice winner Michelle Dewberry could be Foreign Secretary. Andy Pierce of the Daily Mail could be Home Secretary. Jacob Rees-Mogg could be Minister for wind up gramophones. And of course a place at the Cabinet table should still be reserved for Liam “Brexit deal will be the easiest thing in human history” Fox and David “simple and easy” Davies.
It’s clear that the people holding Britain back are the civil servants, Remoaners and appeasers like Mrs May and of course all those horrid judges and that nasty Gina Miller. So let’s get rid of them as well – at least until the deed is done. Send them on holiday to the Canaries or something. Let’s clear the decks and give Prime Minister Nigel Farage a clean slate for this ‘fish and passports’ vision of Britain. Let’s get behind it and go forward together to victory!!!!!!!!
And when in two weeks everything has gone to hell in a handcart we can collectively decide never to listen to his simplistic drivel again and conclude that populist solutions to complex problems – are rarely solutions at all.