He’s been at it again.
Last night Donald stood up in front of his crazy NRA chums and came out with this cacophony of crap:
“I recently read that in London, which has unbelievably tough gun laws, a once very prestigious hospital, right in the middle – is like a war zone for horrible stabbing wounds (are there nice stabbing wounds???)….. they don’t have guns, they have knives and instead there’s blood all over the floors of this hospital. They say it’s as bad as a military war zone hospital.”
Now we Brits love to be flattered by our American cousins and it’s always a thrill to get a shout out guys but – and I’m sure you know this because you are able to read – Mr Trump was talking what we British people call “complete and utter bollocks” there. I don’t know where your President gets his news. Perhaps he dreams it. Perhaps the little pixie people on the back of the cereal packet transmit it to him in magical lucky charm beams. Perhaps he reads it on the cubicle door when he’s doing his business. Perhaps – he gets it from the doolally folks at Info wars. Perhaps he simply (whisper it) ‘makes it up to feed his ill-informed devotees.’ Anyway take it from me – the idea that there is a Central London hospital, whose floors are awash with blood from dying stab victims is untrue, tosh – a big fat whopper with limp sophistry salad under a bullshit bun topped with testicle mayonnaise.
It is true that our capital has had a spike in knife crime and figures are now up around 21% on last year which is clearly a worry for those of us who live in this great city. But deaths from knife crime are not limited to London – of course. While the city’s murder rate is roughly on a par with New York, it is no higher than any other region in the UK relevant to population size and the picture is the same across the country. Indeed you are slightly more likely to be a victim of homicide in North Wales (1.88 per 100,000) than you are in London (1.45 per 100,000.)
Putting knife crime aside, when you compare the total murder rates between nations: in the US 4.8 people per 100,000 are victims of ‘intentional homicide’ every year while in the UK the figure is just 0.92.
Mr Trump was making up this baloney for the benefit of the gun nuts – sorry – addressing the NRA – of course so he was trying to comfort them and you with the fact that the USA is safer than the UK despite guns being illegal here. Well I’m sorry but that isn’t true. A complete fabrication. America has a gun problem and indeed most Americans know it, accept it and want it changed. So far in the US this year 4,854 people have lost their lives to guns (excluding the 8-10k suicides in same period). In the UK where gun laws are very tight indeed – the figure for the whole of 2017 was around 30 and if you want to know how that looks
This is but the latest assault on the UK by the eccentric Mr Trump, who seems somewhat obsessed with us – and London in particular. He was eager to make rude remarks about our city and our Mayor, even as we were reeling from a terror attack last year and when he isn’t pissing off the people of Scotland with his golf course he’s talking about that time he imagined he could get naked and dirty with Princess Diana – which is why his invitation to Prince Harry’s wedding clearly ‘got lost in the post.’ And yet despite being a complete arse about us he’s apparently desperate to meet our Queen and stroke the corgis (not a euphemism but I hope for the sake of all decency they’re locked away.) He’s like some creepy stalker who finds you on Tinder, takes you out for waffles, makes you pay, tells you you’re ugly and stupid and not worthy of him and then starts following you everywhere – but without the charm.
Now it’s not your fault (unless you voted for him in which case it is) and we all make mistakes (Brexit). We Brits love America. We love your ambition and your space programs; we like your teeth rotting soft drinks and your amazing white choppers that defy them. We love your great cities, your movies, your movie stars, your French fries, your burgers and your high cholesterol inducing fast food restaurants. We love Netflix, Amazon, your theme parks and your national parks. We like your style, your jazz, your macbooks, your iphones, your Rocky Mountains, your Simpsons, your Mickey Mouses, your Las Vegas, your iconic architecture and your rock and roll. We envy you your American dream, your robust democracy, your freedom of speech, your cowboys, your musicals and the way you kindly gave Europe a hand with sorting out all that unpleasantness in the 1940s. But – truth be told – we are finding it hard to take to this President of yours. In fact the vast majority of us think he’s a monumental Washington monument.
Donald is planning to come here in July and because you have given us all that great stuff over the years we will take him and look after him for you – God knows you guys need a break – but do us a favour – after we send him back – perform an intervention. I don’t know…. you could wrench the phone from his sweaty palms, or disconnect his Wi-Fi or hide his wig – or something – because frankly this series of American President has jumped the shark.
Chin Chin etc