Death Stars, fish questionnaires and a thriving lightsabre sector: ERG unveils alternative Chequer’s plan.

Jacob Rees-Mogg and his 80 strong European Research Group have deemed Theresa May’s Chequer’s Plan “unworkable.” Here is the leaked draft of their more feasible alternative.

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A British Death Star for a British future

Death Star

Anyone who has seen the documentary series ‘Star Wars’ will be aware of the challenges facing well-intentioned ‘Empires’ wishing to reassert themselves in difficult times. As such, the ERG advocates investing the money we would otherwise send to Brussels in an enormous ‘Death Star.’ This grand project will need skilled workers, IT consultants and – crucially – give a much needed boost to innovative new ray gun and light sabre sectors. The fully costed “Death Star” policy forms a central plank of the ERG proposals. Why should the United Kingdom be tied to the failing “Planet Earth” project when there is a whole galaxy out there to trade with?

Northern Ireland

Northern Ireland existed before the European Union and Northern Ireland will continue to exist after we leave – whatever the carnage that might follow. People who are worried about Northern Ireland are whimpering ‘Remoaners’ and that is all that needs to be said about that.

Fishing

In future – all fish caught in the waters of seas bordering the British Isles will be given a short interview in French, Icelandic, Norwegian and Spanish. If they can answer all 50 questions faultlessly, then they will be handed to the trawlermen of those respective nations. If not – they will be assumed to be British and taken forthwith to Grimsby or one of those other ghastly places.

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Fish who successfully pass the ‘fishing test’ will be allowed to end up in British stomachs

The Falkland Islands

No single issue preoccupies the Great British People more than the inherent wickedness of the wretched Argies and the security of the Falkland Islands. Once we have left the failing European Union there will be plenty of money to invest. While we await completion of the Death Star that will eventually eviscerate South America, the ERG recommends pumping £18 trillion into the archipelago – teaching Johnny Argie a much needed lesson. Our shipwrights will build a vast armada of dreadnoughts which will circle the islands around the clock until such time as an enormous and impenetrable steel dome can be placed on top of the South Atlantic.

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Spitting Image’s correctly rendered map of the world

The NHS/Housing

A quick poll of ERG MPs reveals that not only do none of us use the NHS but neither do our nannies. It is outrageous therefore that billions of pounds are wasted every year on this white elephant for people who are too lazy (or poor) to buy private medical insurance. Post Brexit the ERG recommends issuing every adult in the United Kingdom with a “doctor’s certificate” spontaneously making some 40 million people “doctors.” These highly qualified individuals will then be able to treat themselves and their loved ones – allowing most of the hospitals in the UK to be demolished and rebuilt as private homes – thus solving the housing crisis.

Global trade

While the UK has been enjoying hundreds of billions of pounds of failing tariff free trade with the dwindling EU we have been overlooking potentially enormous deals with Pitcairn island and parts of East Timor. In future the ERG hopes that all of our commerce will be done with these mighty nations and their burgeoning economies. We will buy their stamps and bread fruit and they will buy our light sabres. Then Mr Barnier will be sorry!

A Time Machine

The past was a simpler era, where people knew their place. The rich man lived in his castle while the poor man dwelled with dozens of horrid children, a wife who was too afraid to speak and tuberculosis. There was little need for contraceptives or labour exchanges as ‘mortality’ kept the population under control! Having perfected the Death Star technology the ERG proposes to spend whatever is left on a vast “time machine” that will take us all back to 1910. It was a golden age of cream teas, vicars and a healthy hatred of the HUN when the only black people one saw existed in prints in beautifully bound encyclopaedias and delightful ‘golliwog’ nursery tales. The summers will be endless, the great estates will flourish – and critically our young men will have the chance once more to have their horribly mutilated corpses buried in neat rows before their 21st birthdays.

God Save the King!