Editor’s note: since the original version of this went out I have been contacted by Chloe Westley’s lawyers who have asked us to make it quite clear that this has not been written by her. In addition I have been asked to remove an image of Ms Westley. We are happy to comply with both requests and have replaced the picture of her with a chicken in a basket instead. Read on.
I have believed in Brexit ever since I finished working for Lynton Crosby on an election campaign in Australia and he suggested I contact Matthew Elliott to ask about coming to work in the UK on the Vote Leave campaign. I’d never heard of Brexit before that but I have been passionate about it ever since I got the job. People ask me why a British person couldn’t have done that role or the one I do for TPA and the answer is simple. But I’m not prepared to say what it is.
People often ask me who funds The Taxpayers Alliance and it’s not a big secret. It is funded by ordinary people who believe passionately that they should not have to pay taxes. Those people want to remain anonymous and why shouldn’t they? They have a right to privacy and anyway it’s hard to get good reception in the Turks and Caicos which is why I answer the phones and read out the things they tell me to say in London. It’s no big secret. It’s just we don’t want to tell anyone.
I believe in tax cuts because I believe in the ordinary people who pay me to say that. Why should anonymous hard working billionaires have to chip in for some child from Peckham’s education? Or an old lady’s knee operation. It’s disgraceful really. Those billionaires have already paid one set of health insurance and school fees when they sent their children to Ampleforth or Eton – wholly ridiculous that they should have to shoulder the costs for someone they’ve never even met. They also have their own knees to worry about. Bob Geldof and Richard Branson should pay for everything in the UK because they voted Remain. Ask most sane people if they agree with that and they’ll say yes.
My Great Aunt Meredith was killed in WW2 when a heavy box of pencils fell on her head during a routine inspection of a stock room in Melbourne’s famous pencil district. This was at the height of the Blitz – and although that was going on many miles away in London my family always believed that the Germans were ultimately responsible because the pencils had been shipped via Hamburg. Growing up with the knowledge that Meredith had been a victim of the German war machine made me long for British freedom. Poppies are a personal thing and we shouldn’t judge people – but I wear my poppy with pride because of Great Aunt Meredith – unlike left wing fascists who literally hate Britain and everyone in it.
When I was growing up in Australia I had a book that had belonged to my Great Aunt. It was literally full of facts about Britain the greatest country on Earth. There were facts about the Empire – facts about King George the Vth who ruled over it all – really funny jokes about Irish people – pictures of Bobbies on bicycles and children with golden hair buying apples from cheerful men with straw in their mouths. You can imagine my disappointment when I arrived at Heathrow and didn’t see any of this. The King was now a woman – probably to placate feminists. The Sun wasn’t shining. And to this day I have not seen a Bobby on a bicycle or a girl with blonde hair buying apples from a man with straw in his mouth. When I told an Irish person how funny he was because Irish people are always doing stupid things he accused me of telling offensive jokes. That is typical of the kind of abuse I get for believing in a Better Britain.
If you are a lefty you can use sexist or racist language to attack your opponents and get away with it and that’s the law under the European Convention of Human Rights. You should see the mistreatment I get online. People asking me questions or challenging things I have said, or asking me to explain numbers I’ve tweeted – and worse demanding over and over again who funds the Taxpayers Alliance. I even get asked why I put down that I went to ‘St Andrews University’ on my Linked In page. OK I didn’t ‘physically’ go there but I sent them some emails with attachments and they sent me a certificate. Literally nobody else on the planet has come under such a sustained assault since Gandhi or Mandela or Jesus. Worse in fact because nobody ever asked Jesus about St Andrews University and his Linked In page. People ask me why I an Australian, with an Australian passport, who had only just arrived in Britain went to work for Vote Leave. Has anyone ever asked Lenny Henry why he backed Remain? No – because if they did they’d be called racists.
I think of myself as a poet first and an activist second. My poetry comes to me in the form of ‘words’ which enter my head and then mix together to create ‘verse.’ I write poems about Brexit, poems about the death of my great aunt at the hands of the Nazi war machine, poems about potatoes and poems about life. They are very personal. My poems don’t rhyme because it’s very hard to rhyme anything with ‘Meredith’ ‘Brexit’ or ‘potatoes.’ I know – because believe me I’ve tried.
My Aunt was killed by a box of pencils
They fell upon her head
The coroner came to see her and declared that she was dead
Those pencils came from Germany
The year was forty one
And yet people voted for Remain
Those lefties are so dumb.
If you believe in freedom
Then join the TPA
And when people ask me who you are
I’ll refuse to say.
SATIRE NO Merediths were hurt in the making of this satire …