This is a hard time for those of us with footballing inclinations who believe in a truly global sporting Britain. As France lines up to play ‘Croatia’ in Sunday’s final of the World Cup tournament – the England eleven has once again been humiliated – at the hands of mussel eating Belgians.
It was not always thus. Prior to 1904 English football flourished. There was one association (the FA) and it suited us just fine. We made up the rules to suit ourselves and when we chose to engage in a soccer match with other nations it was done on ‘our terms.’ It was us – ‘Global England’ who invited them – usually Scotland – to come and play and it was us who would beat them. The Scots were grateful for a day out and we were very happy to teach them a lesson in sportsmanship. Those were the halcyon days of Edwardian Britain, when our soccer team was the envy of the world and when everyone walked about very quickly and silently, in black and white. Wearing hats.
Naturally it could not last. The non classical liberals would never allow it!
Bitter at our run of success and anticipating that they would lose the two upcoming world wars, the failing ‘continental Europe’ project in the guise of France, Belgium, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland got together and created the wholly artificial superfederation that we today call ‘The FIFA.’
Showing ourselves to be thoroughly good sports England joined in 1905 only to see the gradual erosion of the beautiful game as we know it and our role as the greatest soccer nation on Earth. For having joined we were obliged to play football by ‘their’ rules and obey the decisions of unelected and unaccountable referees and faceless foreign bureaucratic ‘lines judges.’ Decisions taken against England were rarely in our favour and as one country of many we effectively surrendered our footballing sovereignty. I was never consulted. Were you?
Our time in ‘FIFA’ has been an unmitigated disaster and we are obviously better than this. Whether suffering ignominy at the ‘hand of Argentine’ or being overlooked altogether, the England eight has looked on as ‘other countries’ have won the trophy and we have not. That clearly is not fair. We invented football, we had it first – it’s time to take our ball back. Mister.
That is why I am calling for a FIFAexit.
“But!” Imaginary socialists cry “you can’t do that Mr Hannan, for who shall we play with instead?”
Well – it is nonsense to suggest that all of the football in the world is played only by FIFA nations. By being tied to the failing ‘world cup’ project England has gradually loosened historic links with our traditional sporting partners in Tuvalu, Pitcairn and the Isle of Man. It was a betrayal that was barely noticed in this country, much to our shame, as we ran into the arms of others, but there is absolutely no reason why those mighty Commonwealth micronations wouldn’t let us back in. Why play against Germany or France or Belgium when we could be competing in the VIVA World Cup against Occitania, Gozo and Iraqi Kurdistan instead? I know for a fact that they are desperate for England to join and engage in their league, but the ‘rules of FIFA’ mean that we have to ignore this enormous opportunity and play against countries like ‘Brazil’ or ‘The Netherlands’ instead.
FIFA needs us more than we need them of course. Perhaps by threatening to leave and join, for example, the ELF Cup (Northern Cyprus) we will send out a message that our wickets are open, our bats are oiled and that we are ready to bully off on our terms at last. Only then will ‘soccer come home’ at last.
Daniel J. Hannan (As told to Otto English)